Sleep

Loneliness knows me by name...

I started an old blog entry with the same lines before, it's taken from a song I used to like... now I'm back feeling the same way.

There's just too much going on. A lot of things going wrong. Petty as they may seem to some but big enough for me to lose sleep over it. Not that I would miss sleeping, as I always say about a lot of things.. If I don't need to, I'm not doing it. I just feel that sleep takes so much time that could have been spent doing other things. But now, I'm starting to feel differently about it. Sleeping means I don't have to deal with anything and anyone. I don't think I belong here anymore. The world in my dreams seem to be more welcoming, more understanding. I can be anyone I want to be in my dreams. I can go anywhere I want. I can do everything that I want. 

Here, I am just a phrase uttered into the wind with a message altered beyond recognition that people try to write me in their own words without really understanding what I really ought to say. I have a lot of people around me but I am as lonely as I can be. And a bit sad, for how drastic the tables have turned. Now I have too much time on my hands when all I want to do is sleep.

W.O.M.B.A.T

It's no secret that I hate myself. No... I abhor myself. I am the promise that broke itself. I could have been something great but I chose not to be. So for the nothingness that I have become, I only have myself to blame.

You may think I'm way too harsh on myself. But trust me, if you've lived with me for as long as I have, you'd think otherwise. I know about all the bad things and a few good ones about me. So I guess I have enough credibility to say that I am a complete WOMBAT (Waste of Money, Brains and Time). So it got me thinking, am I deserving of all the things that I want to have in my life? 

For all the years that I have been a smoker, a good couple of them were spent appointing a lucky wish stick. It's a stick you place upside down randomly in a pack. If you get to pick it you make a wish before lighting it up. Now, I know that with all the cigarettes I smoke I should be wishing not to die of lung cancer. But instead, I had this one thing that I always wish for each time. Happiness.

There are a lot of things that make me happy. As Madonna puts it, we are living in a material world and I am a material girl.. so yes, they make me happy. So does exchanging jokes and laughing my heart out with friends after a bad day. Works of art that stirs up my emotions make me happy. Good music. A nice movie. An exciting book to read. Getting to spend quality time with people I love. A LOT of things make me happy. But as with all highs in the world, things must go crashing down at some point. You begin to realize about things that are missing. Things you just simply cannot live without. Things that will make you happy.. things that, no matter how much shit life throws at you, will always manage to keep you happy.

I've always wanted someone to accept me for who I really am. Someone who'd be there because he actually wants to. Someone who has a choice but would still choose me. Someone who'd stand by me when all I wanna do is escape from myself. Someone who would need me enough for me to want to live more years than what I originally wanted. Someone who can love me enough for the both of us.

It would be nice to have my own family one day. I can just imagine nights wherein my partner would slap me awake just so I can put our crying baby back to sleep. In return, I promise to be there for support as he tries to explain about the birds and the bees and all the other "big talks" with our kids. We'll keep each other in check if we're being over protective of them as teens. He'll make sure that I'll be supportive of whatever our kids want to take up in college as I might have the tendency to live my unfulfilled dreams through them. We'll be there to help each other remember all the stupid stuff we did when we first faced the real world so we can properly guide our children when they finally need to go out there on their own. Hopefully we'll be good enough parents to be visited by our children during the holidays, now with their own kids in tow. 

It's these things, I guess. This is what I truly want. It will be the wind that will blow me higher and higher until I forget how life felt during the lowest points of my life.

Knowing the real me... Do I honestly think I deserve all of this? Am I someone worth loving? Would I want to spend my entire life with someone like me? I've had a lot of people I turned down just because I feel I deserve better. Would that be the case when I'm finally the one asking to be loved the way I want to be loved? Would I be chosen out of all the available options or only because he has no other choice? Would I be loved because of things that are truly my own or just because I am the most convenient and offers quite an uncomplicated set up? Am I really someone to be wanted or just someone for a person who's wanting?

I wouldn't fall in love with me. I wouldn't even date me. If I were in my dream guy's shoes, would I think Pyro deserves all the love and happiness I could give him? I don't think so. If I had a choice, would I go for someone better? Definitely. And that's why I'm scared.

Pyro the Explorer

Where are we going? *clap clap clap*

Uhhh....To be honest, I don't know. I still have the same fears I had with me at the start of this journey. I still don't know where all of this will lead me. And I'm scared.

I'm scared that it would lead me to the Garden of Eden only to get swallowed by the anaconda hiding behind the tree. Well it's a very big tree.

I'm scared that it would take me to a journey up in the sky on a magic carpet and eventually be forced to jump off as it turns out that it's infested with mites

I'm afraid to follow the trail up to the mountains only to find out that it's actually a live volcano waiting to erupt and engulf me with lava that will melt my heart... and my bones.. and every other internal organ that I have.

I'm scared that it will take me stargazing in space, and leave me there without having any means to breathe or smoke.

I fear that it will take me on a romantic cruise across the sea...only to drown in the ship's swimming pool.

I am scared... and I have every right to be. I'm well aware that there are things that are just too good to be true. And him coming into my life seems a lot like one of them. But I'm hoping that it's not. REEEAAALLY hoping that it's not. But even if it is, I don't think I care anymore.

I have lived long enough in my cave to just pass up a chance to live in paradise even just for 5 minutes. I've always wanted to fly. As a kid I grew up having dreams of flying over mountain ranges and waking up teary eyed. I forgot how it felt until somebody reminded me recently. It was magical.

I remember being told by quite a few people that I have a heart as hard a rock.. either that or I just listen to Cher singing Heart of Stone too much as a kid, either way, I guess a little warmth wouldn't hurt me. Besides, since I met him, he has managed to make me melt into a puddle of goo numerous times that I actually consider listing it as a favorite hobby the next time somebody asks me. And with the many times he took my breath away, I believe I've gotten enough training to hold my breath long enough to see the stars up close. And I wouldn't want to miss the chance of seeing the world from a different view, it definitely has changed a lot. Even I can't believe I'm starting to like it. And you can scrap the cruise, who doesn't like romance?

I can never know for sure what will happen. I just don't think it's right to deprive myself of so much happiness just because of fear. So again, WHERE ARE WE GOING? *clap clap clap*

I still don't know! HAHA! But I'll go anywhere if it means that I get to be with him. He can lead me to my deathbed and I wouldn't mind. I just hope before that time comes, no one would come near us and have me say "Swiper! No Swiping!" I don't want to lose him. And as far as I'm concerned, swiping is a thing of the past. ^_^

Oz

Nothing's really different. I have already decided that I am his long before he realized he wanted me. But hearing the words he said last night, somehow it feels like I've just been transported to a parallel universe where everything is possible. It's not an unfamiliar situation. I've been through this countless times. Perhaps too much that I am afraid it would end up exactly like the rest. But I'm hoping this time would be different. And I kind of feel that it is.

The past weeks I've been carried away by a whirlwind of emotions similar to the tornado that rattled the life of young Dorothy. What was once in black and white, the world suddenly felt more colorful now. I now see everything glowing with promises in a new light. I even got to discover some parts of me I've never known. I find that just like the Scarecrow, I want to be wise to always know the right thing to do. Just like the Tin Man I hope to be granted a heart big enough to store all the emotions I feel right now. And like the Lion, I need courage to not chicken out and to stand by what I want for once. I'm hoping that when I finally get to meet the Wizard he'd be generous enough to give me all that. If not, then I hope the long journey on the yellow brick road would help me learn everything I need to know. 

I just hope he has enough patience to stay with me on this journey. I know how difficult I can get.. hopefully he'll stick around long enough to get a refill from the wizard once I've drained his supply of patience dry. And if possible even longer.. I know for a fact that we have a very strong chance of ruling our very own Oz. Looking around, it seems like I'm in a totally different world. But looking at him, I feel like I'm home. 

So Dorothy, I hope you know how to rock those ruby slippers. They're all yours.

Today..Duh..

Today was a day of emotions. I woke up today feeling scared. Scared that things might go wrong. Scared to lose anymore than what I have lost. Scared that I might never get them back. I was afraid that things might change and that I will forever be unable to adapt.

 Today, I found out that some friends are leaving for good. Friends that I have come to love more than I thought I would. I'd like to believe that we will remain friends even then. After all, I never believed there is anything more than friends. If we were able to be friends, we must have reached a level of connection that not even the farthest distance can destroy.

 Today, I felt the pain of other people. And the joy of being trusted enough to be allowed a peek of the darkest corners of their lives.

 Today I felt like I could do nothing right. But then I feel like that everyday so...

 Today I felt abandoned. Like I've been left out on the street to suffer and die. Hmmm. I guess now I know how it feels... the pain I have caused for so many.

 Today I also felt how it was like to be found. The promise of salvation is indeed glorious. But to have been found once and remembered... hmm..Maybe someday?

 Today, I felt at peace. Like I have accepted that this will be my everyday.

 Today, I was surprised by how well I'm taking today.

 Today I don't really give a rat's ass about tomorrow.

 Today I felt human. Powerless but totally fine with it.

 It wasn't a good day for sure but the discovery of a heart that's still able to feel made me realize that this was not a bad one either. Just another day. A normal day.. A day that I know I would not even remember eventually. But right now, for a jaded person like I am, let me revel in the fact that today, I had a day of emotions. For someone jaded as me..Today in its core, is a day of hope.

Black

Some people say that there is no darkness, that it is merely the absence of light. I beg to disagree. Light cannot exist on its own. It needs to come from some kind of source. And that source needs to undergo several processes in order to emit that light whereas darkness, I believe, is our default state. Light only exists to eradicate the darkness. Light will only exist in the dark. We are all moths put into a pitch black oblivion to search for our own source of light. Hoping that it will guide us to where we ought to be. And when we finally do, we can only hope that it will not burn us to death.

Looking back, I had several moments in my life wherein I thought I finally found something to take me out of the dark, shining so bright it burns, until I see that last flickering a few moments later and I'm back to seeing black. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind being in the dark. No one can see you, therefore no one can judge you. No one will be able to see your slightly burnt wing and make up stories about how it happened. You can be anyone you want to be, you can be everything you are not.

The darkness that swallows me offers me safety, so who am I resist? That's why I embrace it back. It spares me from the fear brought about by knowing what's there, at the same time saves me from the disappointment of seeing what's not. It gives me the choice of going on an adventure into the unknown or to just disappear whenever I feel like I can't take it anymore. Black is my favorite color not by choice, but because it's all I know. If a life in light meant seeing vibrant colors that would delight you at the beginning but will fade and tarnish in time, then I guess at this point in my life, all I choose to know is black.

More Blank Pages Please :)

I woke up this morning with an urge to write. What do I want to write about? How would I write it? I don't know. But what I do know is that I need to write something. So here I am, writing.

Hmm, but what about? Maybe I can write about how it feels to break up with a partner for four years? I have never written anything like that, It just feels too dramatic. I can't imagine anyone enjoying reading about how a failed romance crushed the heart of a young boy. Enduring a heartache so bad, he struggles to cry himself to sleep, and during the worst nights he throws punches at his face just feel a different kind of pain. It slowly made him lose faith in his ability to care, to share, to love and to be selfless even if it meant not hurting the only person he loved more than himself.  Who am I kidding? Nobody really cares about that.

Hmm, how about falling in love with the wrong person? A person so desperate for attention, he stripped himself of all consideration for other people's feelings. You give him everything, he gives you shit. Hmm, interesting. It wouldn't be the theme of so many tragic romantic movies if it wasn't right? Imagine getting hurt so bad you'll probably end up like the young boy in the earlier story. Something tells me this could actually work! But then, to write that I'd probably have to do lots of interviews. It would just take too much time and I wouldn't want to write about something I don't know. Besides, the people I know who've gone through the same situation probably still don't want to talk to me.  

Wait, why is everything so sad?! I should try writing something uplifting. Maybe I could write about childhood dreams? How a promising young boy wanted to be someone someday. How he wanted to be this and that, moving from one dream to another whenever reality slaps him awake. But then that wouldn't really make a good story as the hero never got to being someone. Maybe someday, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Or maybe..., nah, I give up. I have too little sleep and I'm out of ideas. Maybe I'm not meant to write anything at all. Maybe the story I'm looking for will fill out its yet to be written pages in front of me. And the best I could do is to just chronicle it. I mean, look at this, it actually feels like a coherent story to me. I can just imagine a young boy who had his heart broken, making a huge mistake of using others to live his dream of being someone to just that one unlucky person, and in the process hurting others for selfish gain. What? No? Bad story with an insipid character? Alright. Well, it's still in the works you know. Who knows, maybe he ends up being a lovable character in the end. Who's to say we're already at the climax? We can only judge it once it's fully written. Miracles do happen!  I'll just keep my fingers crossed that even if it ends up to be the most tragic story ever written, it will still have enough space to include this single page of hope.  And maybe, that little bit is enough the change the entire book.. I hope.