It's no secret that I hate myself. No... I abhor myself. I am the promise that broke itself. I could have been something great but I chose not to be. So for the nothingness that I have become, I only have myself to blame.
You may think I'm way too harsh on myself. But trust me, if you've lived with me for as long as I have, you'd think otherwise. I know about all the bad things and a few good ones about me. So I guess I have enough credibility to say that I am a complete WOMBAT (Waste of Money, Brains and Time). So it got me thinking, am I deserving of all the things that I want to have in my life?
For all the years that I have been a smoker, a good couple of them were spent appointing a lucky wish stick. It's a stick you place upside down randomly in a pack. If you get to pick it you make a wish before lighting it up. Now, I know that with all the cigarettes I smoke I should be wishing not to die of lung cancer. But instead, I had this one thing that I always wish for each time. Happiness.
There are a lot of things that make me happy. As Madonna puts it, we are living in a material world and I am a material girl.. so yes, they make me happy. So does exchanging jokes and laughing my heart out with friends after a bad day. Works of art that stirs up my emotions make me happy. Good music. A nice movie. An exciting book to read. Getting to spend quality time with people I love. A LOT of things make me happy. But as with all highs in the world, things must go crashing down at some point. You begin to realize about things that are missing. Things you just simply cannot live without. Things that will make you happy.. things that, no matter how much shit life throws at you, will always manage to keep you happy.
I've always wanted someone to accept me for who I really am. Someone who'd be there because he actually wants to. Someone who has a choice but would still choose me. Someone who'd stand by me when all I wanna do is escape from myself. Someone who would need me enough for me to want to live more years than what I originally wanted. Someone who can love me enough for the both of us.
It would be nice to have my own family one day. I can just imagine nights wherein my partner would slap me awake just so I can put our crying baby back to sleep. In return, I promise to be there for support as he tries to explain about the birds and the bees and all the other "big talks" with our kids. We'll keep each other in check if we're being over protective of them as teens. He'll make sure that I'll be supportive of whatever our kids want to take up in college as I might have the tendency to live my unfulfilled dreams through them. We'll be there to help each other remember all the stupid stuff we did when we first faced the real world so we can properly guide our children when they finally need to go out there on their own. Hopefully we'll be good enough parents to be visited by our children during the holidays, now with their own kids in tow.
It's these things, I guess. This is what I truly want. It will be the wind that will blow me higher and higher until I forget how life felt during the lowest points of my life.
Knowing the real me... Do I honestly think I deserve all of this? Am I someone worth loving? Would I want to spend my entire life with someone like me? I've had a lot of people I turned down just because I feel I deserve better. Would that be the case when I'm finally the one asking to be loved the way I want to be loved? Would I be chosen out of all the available options or only because he has no other choice? Would I be loved because of things that are truly my own or just because I am the most convenient and offers quite an uncomplicated set up? Am I really someone to be wanted or just someone for a person who's wanting?
I wouldn't fall in love with me. I wouldn't even date me. If I were in my dream guy's shoes, would I think Pyro deserves all the love and happiness I could give him? I don't think so. If I had a choice, would I go for someone better? Definitely. And that's why I'm scared.
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