Today..Duh..

Today was a day of emotions. I woke up today feeling scared. Scared that things might go wrong. Scared to lose anymore than what I have lost. Scared that I might never get them back. I was afraid that things might change and that I will forever be unable to adapt.

 Today, I found out that some friends are leaving for good. Friends that I have come to love more than I thought I would. I'd like to believe that we will remain friends even then. After all, I never believed there is anything more than friends. If we were able to be friends, we must have reached a level of connection that not even the farthest distance can destroy.

 Today, I felt the pain of other people. And the joy of being trusted enough to be allowed a peek of the darkest corners of their lives.

 Today I felt like I could do nothing right. But then I feel like that everyday so...

 Today I felt abandoned. Like I've been left out on the street to suffer and die. Hmmm. I guess now I know how it feels... the pain I have caused for so many.

 Today I also felt how it was like to be found. The promise of salvation is indeed glorious. But to have been found once and remembered... hmm..Maybe someday?

 Today, I felt at peace. Like I have accepted that this will be my everyday.

 Today, I was surprised by how well I'm taking today.

 Today I don't really give a rat's ass about tomorrow.

 Today I felt human. Powerless but totally fine with it.

 It wasn't a good day for sure but the discovery of a heart that's still able to feel made me realize that this was not a bad one either. Just another day. A normal day.. A day that I know I would not even remember eventually. But right now, for a jaded person like I am, let me revel in the fact that today, I had a day of emotions. For someone jaded as me..Today in its core, is a day of hope.

Black

Some people say that there is no darkness, that it is merely the absence of light. I beg to disagree. Light cannot exist on its own. It needs to come from some kind of source. And that source needs to undergo several processes in order to emit that light whereas darkness, I believe, is our default state. Light only exists to eradicate the darkness. Light will only exist in the dark. We are all moths put into a pitch black oblivion to search for our own source of light. Hoping that it will guide us to where we ought to be. And when we finally do, we can only hope that it will not burn us to death.

Looking back, I had several moments in my life wherein I thought I finally found something to take me out of the dark, shining so bright it burns, until I see that last flickering a few moments later and I'm back to seeing black. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind being in the dark. No one can see you, therefore no one can judge you. No one will be able to see your slightly burnt wing and make up stories about how it happened. You can be anyone you want to be, you can be everything you are not.

The darkness that swallows me offers me safety, so who am I resist? That's why I embrace it back. It spares me from the fear brought about by knowing what's there, at the same time saves me from the disappointment of seeing what's not. It gives me the choice of going on an adventure into the unknown or to just disappear whenever I feel like I can't take it anymore. Black is my favorite color not by choice, but because it's all I know. If a life in light meant seeing vibrant colors that would delight you at the beginning but will fade and tarnish in time, then I guess at this point in my life, all I choose to know is black.

More Blank Pages Please :)

I woke up this morning with an urge to write. What do I want to write about? How would I write it? I don't know. But what I do know is that I need to write something. So here I am, writing.

Hmm, but what about? Maybe I can write about how it feels to break up with a partner for four years? I have never written anything like that, It just feels too dramatic. I can't imagine anyone enjoying reading about how a failed romance crushed the heart of a young boy. Enduring a heartache so bad, he struggles to cry himself to sleep, and during the worst nights he throws punches at his face just feel a different kind of pain. It slowly made him lose faith in his ability to care, to share, to love and to be selfless even if it meant not hurting the only person he loved more than himself.  Who am I kidding? Nobody really cares about that.

Hmm, how about falling in love with the wrong person? A person so desperate for attention, he stripped himself of all consideration for other people's feelings. You give him everything, he gives you shit. Hmm, interesting. It wouldn't be the theme of so many tragic romantic movies if it wasn't right? Imagine getting hurt so bad you'll probably end up like the young boy in the earlier story. Something tells me this could actually work! But then, to write that I'd probably have to do lots of interviews. It would just take too much time and I wouldn't want to write about something I don't know. Besides, the people I know who've gone through the same situation probably still don't want to talk to me.  

Wait, why is everything so sad?! I should try writing something uplifting. Maybe I could write about childhood dreams? How a promising young boy wanted to be someone someday. How he wanted to be this and that, moving from one dream to another whenever reality slaps him awake. But then that wouldn't really make a good story as the hero never got to being someone. Maybe someday, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Or maybe..., nah, I give up. I have too little sleep and I'm out of ideas. Maybe I'm not meant to write anything at all. Maybe the story I'm looking for will fill out its yet to be written pages in front of me. And the best I could do is to just chronicle it. I mean, look at this, it actually feels like a coherent story to me. I can just imagine a young boy who had his heart broken, making a huge mistake of using others to live his dream of being someone to just that one unlucky person, and in the process hurting others for selfish gain. What? No? Bad story with an insipid character? Alright. Well, it's still in the works you know. Who knows, maybe he ends up being a lovable character in the end. Who's to say we're already at the climax? We can only judge it once it's fully written. Miracles do happen!  I'll just keep my fingers crossed that even if it ends up to be the most tragic story ever written, it will still have enough space to include this single page of hope.  And maybe, that little bit is enough the change the entire book.. I hope.